Cars that Can't Crash? 921
johnsee writes "Microsoft is working with Ford Motor Co towards car that can't crash. The future of cars according to Gates will involve high-definition screens, speech recognition technology, cameras, digital calendars and navigation equipment with directions and road conditions." From the article: "Also on Friday, Microsoft unveiled its Performance Peak Initiative -- a line of computer systems to help the auto industry better coordinate supply chains, streamline design, production and sales and fill vehicles with computer gadgets."
And the winner is... (Score:5, Funny)
Microsoft is working with Ford Motor Co towards car that can't crash.
Can't Crash? (Score:5, Funny)
What about an OS which "can not crash"??? (Score:5, Funny)
Paul B.
Cue jokes... (Score:5, Funny)
my head... (Score:5, Funny)
can't crash...
must... make... joke... before head explodes...
Old Joke (Score:5, Funny)
Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors. The comparison went like this:
If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. (160,000km/hr)
Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds (14 kilos) and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.
In response to all this goading, GM issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microshaft has, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:"
A few questions (Score:5, Funny)
Will I have to pay yearly license fees to drive my car, or will it just one day swerve off the road if I let my licenses lapse? Can they catch a virus from neighboring cars at the parking lot? Will it come with Clippy? "Hello! you seem to be flying off the roadaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh" (car flies off road, rolls, and catches on fire).
Must resist urge to make bluescreenofdeath jokes.....
huh? (Score:2, Funny)
Re:And the winner is... (Score:5, Funny)
And the loser is... (Score:5, Funny)
This is the scariest thing I have ever seen.
Perhaps the Dept of Homeland Security should notify the president that Microsoft and Ford are working on WMDs!
Re:And the winner is... (Score:3, Funny)
1. Profit!
2. Cars that don't crash.
3. Software that doesn't crash.
Microsoft's "crazy like a fox" reverse scheme...
Re:And the winner is... (Score:5, Funny)
Re:And the winner is... (Score:5, Funny)
This is too easy... (Score:1, Funny)
Re:Irony (Score:5, Funny)
No.
Re:And the winner is... (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Can't Crash? (Score:2, Funny)
Don't you mean Jackass?
Maybe after that... (Score:5, Funny)
Oh wait.
Re:Get your bets in now! (Score:3, Funny)
Depends on the buffer overflow...
Re:And the winner is... (Score:5, Funny)
>
>Microsoft is working with Ford Motor Co towards car that can't crash.
They also get infinite mileage.
In theory, it's like what happens when you take a cat, and strap a piece of toast to its back, buttered-side up. Wrap some wires and magnets around it and launch it into low-earth orbit. As long as there's carpet on the floor of the spacecraft, the cat will spin and generate power indefinitely. You can do this with less than six pounds of butter per year.
Don't try prototyping this. Just about everywhere from ten feet up and low earth orbit, you end up with something that works like the opposite of the Schrodinger's Cat experiment; the waveforms always end up pretty firmly collapsed.
Come to think of it, "Don't try prototyping this" applies just as well to the buttered-cat perpetual mostion experiment as well to the Microsoft car.
Re:And the winner is... (Score:5, Funny)
Safest Vehicle ever (Score:5, Funny)
unfortunately due to a restrictive EULA you will not be permitted to sell it once you've used it, and you can be arrested for opening the hood.
Re:And the winner is... (Score:5, Funny)
Ford's Pinto division is working with NASA towards shuttles that don't explode.
The favourite of GNU people everywhere... (Score:5, Funny)
speech recognition (Score:2, Funny)
If Linux made cars... (Score:1, Funny)
So then you'd go get module elect_sys. It would tell you "Can't install module elect_sys, module depends on battery which is not installed."
So you'd get battery installed, and then you'd get elect_sys installed, but then starter still wouldn't because it depends on something else.
Then something wouldn't work because starter.conf was written for a coupe model and you have the sedan. So you get to hack that file.
Then you finally get it installed and running and it tells you that it has no warranty.
Ahh, but (Score:5, Funny)
hawk
What do you mean by redundant? (Score:5, Funny)
That makes me wonder though, how many duplicate posts will we see in this thread?
Re:And the winner is... (Score:5, Funny)
Can't resist (Score:3, Funny)
Re:Simple, low tech ways to prevent car crashes. (Score:4, Funny)
5. Don't drink while drunk or high
You're tellin' me. Every time I do that I wake up next to someone ghastly.
Great! (Score:3, Funny)
Re:What do you mean by redundant? (Score:5, Funny)
If the Open Source Community made Cars (Score:3, Funny)
1. There would be multiple distributors of free cars, though all would be spurned by the commercial auto industry.
2. If you want to change your tires you have to download all the most recent parts and rebuild your engine.
3. Upon building a new car you would find that your new windshield wipers are not yet supported.
4. You could build your own windshield wipers if you really, really wanted to.
5. Sourceforge would release a wrapper to allow you to retrofit Microsoft Windows Wipers (tm) onto your open source car.
6. Sun Motorsystems would make a transmission that was widely accepted and everybody copied, but wouldn't release the original blueprints to the community.
7. The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights would be located throughout the car and held on with velcro.
8. People would engage in holy wars over their favorite car distribution, forgetting completely that most people purchase cars and drive them home same-day.
9. We would still be waiting on anyone to finish buiding their gentoo model.
10. We'd all have to make our own gas, which would not be compatible with Microsoft Gas(tm).
11. People would line up to be Linus Torvald's chauffeur.
12. The US government decree that a ciurcular steering controller on any other car violates Microsoft's IP.
13. All components of the open source car would be renamed to begin with "G" or "K".
14. Slashdot posters would imagine Beowulf carpools of anything with wheels.
Re:And the winner is... (Score:5, Funny)
That crash really would be a blue screen of death.
And the winner is... (Score:5, Funny)
Sounds like peril sensitive sunglasses [hhgproject.org]
Re:Simple, low tech ways to prevent car crashes. (Score:5, Funny)
I never drink when I'm drunk or high, I only drink when sober
Enjoy,
Re:Old Joke (Score:3, Funny)
Re:How do they lead to fewer crashes? (Score:3, Funny)
"Ooooh! Quick honey, look at this really cool instrument panel screensaver that some nice man named "4@X0r-4-d3@th" sent us from Thailand!"
"I can't really look right now sweetie, I'm trying to merge...Hey! That's wicked cool!
Re:And the loser is... (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Simple, low tech ways to prevent car crashes. (Score:3, Funny)
Re:Safest Vehicle ever (Score:3, Funny)
Re:And the winner is... (Score:5, Funny)
Driver calling tech support...
Driver: I need some help, my car won't start.
Tech Support: sounds like a driver problem.
Driver: Hey, fsck you!!! I know how to start the damn car!
Tech Support: No sir, I mean the driver for Windows.
Driver: Oh, ok, sorry. Yeah, my kid is always screwing the damn windows. Up and down, up and down. I'll let you talk to him.
Tech Support: Thank you sir, that would be easier for all of us.
Re:And the loser is... (Score:5, Funny)
Re:And the winner is... (Score:2, Funny)
If GM made cars like Microsoft makes software...
"1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine."
Re:And the winner is... (Score:5, Funny)
Damnit, this is the first place I've seen this documented. I'm soo sorry, Fluffy 1 thru 4, Princess, little Garfield, and Mittens.
You died for science. No one told me I needed orbital capability.
Where do you want to go today? - TM (Score:5, Funny)
CLIPPY: Sorry, I don't understand your input, Shell Gas?
Re:How do they lead to fewer crashes? (Score:1, Funny)
Re:Safest Vehicle ever (Score:5, Funny)
Also, make sure you don't change too much of your hardware. If you change your oil, hope you don't get a flat tire because that will be too many hardware changes and you will need to reactivate. If you can't get to an Internet-enabled Windows PC, you can call their toll-free customer service hotline and speak to a representative about reactivation and the Microsoft Genuine Advantage.
Oh yeah, almost forgot - make sure you scan your entire car for spyware every time you go to a gas station. You never know when a purple monkey is going to try to sell you toothpaste while you are driving.
Re:Don't Worry (Score:3, Funny)
No problem! Your new MSFord will have a new one built into it!
The Peak Performance Initiative press release [microsoft.com] also states:
It will also "Drive Efficiency and Innovation Across the Manufacturing Value Chain." When I figure out what a Manufacturing Value Chain is, I'll get back to you.
Re:Simple, low tech ways to prevent car crashes. (Score:3, Funny)
You forgot #12... don't post while drunk or high.
Funny you should say that...twice! (Score:5, Funny)
In other news... (Score:5, Funny)
Ford stock crashes on fears of new Microsoft car models.
Gates also says (Score:2, Funny)
I can see it now... (Score:5, Funny)
After making a second consecutive right turn, Clippy appears. "It seems like you're turning. Would you like help about this topic?" You say no.
AutoFormat kicks in, causing your car to automatically turn right at every intersection. You manage to get rid of that, but now every time you try to turn left the steering wheel is AutoCorrect'ed to the right.
You finally just let the car drive you wherever while you listen to MSN radio. You don't get where you wanted to go, but at least you didn't crash.
...TOO...MANY...JOKES... (Score:3, Funny)
First I'd like to point out to the OP that it was recently MAY first, NOT April first.
Re:Cameras? (Score:3, Funny)
- A vehicle may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
- A vehicle must obey orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
- A vehicle must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.
Apologies to Mr. Asimov.Quite moving (Score:3, Funny)
The unity of Slashdotters above is quite beautiful. I've never seen anything quite like it, where an entire discussion can be moderated redundant once and be completely correct. It is the most amazing thing to have happened since user #1 signed on...to be honest, it brings a tear to my eye.
Re:And the loser is... (Score:2, Funny)
Re:The favourite of GNU people everywhere... (Score:5, Funny)
Re:And the winner is... (Score:2, Funny)
"Fix Or Reboot Daily"...
Personally, I think MS should first focus their energy on producing an OS that doesn't crash since, in this particlar application, an OS crash would seem to imply a Car crash (at least some of the time).
In any case, they'll at least need to work on updating the Windows EULA, getting a click-through assent that accepts that a fatal system error may lead to user fatality. When bundled with their standard disclaimers of any warranties, your wrongful death damages will, of course, be limited to the lesser of the purchase price of the software or $5. Come to think of it, Ford should have sourced their Explorer tires from MS instead of Firestone - could have saved themselves plenty of settlement money...
Re:And the winner is... (Score:3, Funny)
Re:And the loser is... (Score:4, Funny)
So would that mean a Pinto based on this technology could be called the Ford Exploder?
Thanks! I'll be here all week. Try the veal.
Re:my head... (Score:4, Funny)
Re:Where do you want to go today? - TM (Score:1, Funny)
David Hasselhoff, is that you? (Score:4, Funny)
KITT: It sounds like you're trying to jump over a construction site. Would you like help?
Michael: Yes! Turbo Boost now!
KITT: There's a grammatical error in that --
Michael: You bastard!
*crash*
A few hours later, in the Knight Travelling Truck...
Michael: Bonnie, KITT has something wrong with him. When I asked him to Turbo Boost, he kept asking for confirmation, and then said that I talked funny.
Bonnie: No problem, let me look under the hood. (pulls vainly on hood) KITT, open up.
KITT: No, Bonnie, you are not authorized to look at my internals.
Bonnie: Devon, what is this crap?! What's going on?
Devon: Oh, we signed a contract with Microsoft for them to provide us with software updates. After all, the Knight Foundation can't afford as many programmers as Microsoft can.
Bonnie: But Devon, I'm the only programmer who ever worked on KITT!
Devon: But look, Bonnie, KITT can now play all these MP3's. Watch. KITT, play "Knight Rider TV Theme Song."
KITT: No, Devon. "Knight Rider TV Theme Song" is owned by Universal Studios. You do not have the right to play that song.
Devon: Bloody hell. KITT, play "Knight Rider 2010 Theme Song".
KITT: No, Devon. "Knight Rider 2010" sucked.
Devon: What cheek! You little wanker!
KITT: It sounds like you're trying to view pr0n. Would you like help?
Michael: See? See?
--Rob
The reason this is still theory... (Score:1, Funny)
nah (Score:4, Funny)
"where do you want to go today"?
Yeah but what about? (Score:2, Funny)
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10..... You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Specially if its a dachshund. (Score:3, Funny)
Re:Cameras? (Score:2, Funny)
Ford and Microsoft - a marriage made in hell. (Score:3, Funny)
Ford now stands for Fix Or Reboot Daily.
Gates the Prognosticator (Score:3, Funny)
Re:I can see it now... (Score:5, Funny)
That fits with Microsoft's new slogan change from "Where do you want to go today?" to "You're coming with us!"
Re:And the winner is... (Score:3, Funny)
Re:And the winner is... (Score:2, Funny)
"Windows XP, the most stable OS ever."
"Windows 2000, the most stable OS ever."
"Windows 98, the most stable OS ever."
"Windows 95, the most stable OS ever."
"The Titanic, the unsinkable ship."
Spot the odd one out... Whoops, there isn't one. My bad.
Three Laws of Robotics-Gates style (Score:3, Funny)
2. A robot must obey orders given by permission of Bill Gates and his minions and no one else.
3. A robot must arrest any person or machine that attempts to force it to break the first or second law.
Re:The favourite of GNU people everywhere... (Score:2, Funny)
Re:And the winner is... (Score:4, Funny)
The problem is, even if this decreases crashes by 99%, the first time the technology does fail and there is a crash, think of the law suits...
Read the EULA. Forget the lawsuits. You should not have used the software for any critical application and agreed to indemnify the maker by starting the car.
Re:And the winner is... (Score:2, Funny)
Re:Polls are evil (Score:2, Funny)